A Streetwhale Named Desire

After being inconsistent and greedy reading 5 books at a time (I get bored easily) and meeting a pointless situation out of it, I’ve decided to focus on the legendary Moby Dick. Inspired by a friend that had successfully finished The Great Gatsby by reading it only during bus ride, I’m green with envy I decided to make good use of my time on the subway by reading a book only instead of chatting on gadget, pointlessly daydreaming or constructing scenario of strangers for fun. It’s a great read and I’m currently on page 130 of 536. I think by the time I manage to finish it, I can die happily.

This is the view from the subway station near where I live. These last 2 weeks have been maddeningly freezing almost -15°C. Every. Bloody. Day. Never been this cold in winter since 2007. To compensate, it’s sunny almost everyday.

I hate wearing gloves but now I wear them everyday otherwise my wrinkled fingers would bleed and get numb. That was while waiting for the professor. Last days of going to uni.

I was taken aback as I came to fetch the result of one of the essays. The professor typed his comments using a typewriter. Typewriter for crying out loud, isn’t he awesome.

This is a poor blue bear I always pass by on the way to work. These pics are all taken with mobilephone, and as I’m uploading them now I can’t help but thinking of getting myself an iPhone. Just for the sake of Instagram. The desire appeared again since Bon Iver signed up for it. Pfftt.

6!

ok so the semester break has begun actually, but i’m not excited about it cos of course there is really nothing to be excited about. 3 term papers are waiting to be accomplished and after the last total failure i’d done in the last post, i am really not confident about my ability. that’s to begin with.

1. in one of my project papers i’m going to write about twitter. it’s how the notion of interpellation by althusser works very effectively in that microblogging space of 140 characters  and i’m gonna prove and show how this effectiveness works in terms of social relation bla bla bla. not going to make you feel sick by going into gory details. but i am kind of excited about this idea. next week saya akan ngajuin. doakan ya biar diterima, kalo diterima ntar gue traktir hanuta!

2. dua paper lagi… masih terlantar karena saya terlalu excited sama si twitter paper thingy ini. tolong didoakan juga biar kerajinan saya tidak kendor, semangat menggebu2 dan kalo bisa, bikinin homemade peanut butter cookies. tuh specific banget kan. orang tuh harus tau apa yg dia mau dalam hidup ini.

3. i am stuck in berlin, yg katanya spring bakal dateng 5 menit lagi. a friend asked me to go along out of town to escape from this pseudo-european-city, di mana kita ga bener2 yakin apakah kita berada di eropa. wherever we throw our eyes, there’s japanese resto, china pfane, thai imbiss, where the hell are we actually? so anyway, this friend said hey are you coming or not? i said, when… she said, next week bla bla until bla bla… how much? dan ternyata mahal kaya naek pesawat ke athen aja padahal cuma kereta 5,5 jam dan masih di deutschland. i said segitu mahal cuma buat ke aachen? she said who’s going to aachen? i said whattt? so where? she said… böblingen. ever heard a city as cute as that? hahaha.

4. the ongoing 4-season prewed photo katanya mesti selesai tengah maret. wish me luck! i need a lot of melodramatic creativity and on the other hand need to keep my logic working for the papers. let me tell you cara jitu dapetin ide2 utk angle moto2, banyak2 lah nontonin music videos believe me well at least it works for me -.-
anyhow, we are not trained to be sensible and easy-to-get-carried away kind of people, sekali dihadapkan dengan text apapun itu, we are trained to be critical, sceptical, and the most problematic of all, we are expected to be able to express them all in words. i mean, having critical and sceptical thoughts towards literary, philosophical and cultural texts is only halfway and the other halfway would be to make other people argue, convinced or understand. ya ya yaaaaaaaaaaa… saya ujung2nya ngomongin uni lagi. feeling dizzy already?

5. read a book by the late anti-social author J.D. salinger and finished it a week ago the catcher in the rye. which i think is the best book that i’ve read (and hence finished) so far. the best. wittily and naturally written, like reading a teenager’s diary or blog nowadays. untuk ukuran novel keluaran taon 1951, buku ini sangat2lah modern dalam segi kosa kata. and i must admit, i cried reading it. crying like really buckets of tears so to say. it makes me feel i’m losing my mind and so embarrassed for crying over a book. not just crying but literally feeling sad. please dont read the book or you’ll end up like me. anyway i immediately recommended it to meta i even borrowed it for her from whaddayaculit met? uni library huahaha.

6. been addicted to and created my own playlist here and am currently listening to the rescues “you’re not listening” great vocals!

and like the Brits say:

cheerio ;)

slippery road.

was having 2 loaves of bread and a glass of coffee this morning, while checking emails, including uni email as usual. daily routine. got a feedback from one prof (not the “einstein-look-alike). reading the first sentence, i couldn’t finish my breakfast.

I am very sorry to say that I cannot support a Schein for this project.

Sincerely,
………..

that was the last sentence of his about 8 paragraphs of feedback, and surely that word “sincerely” does give me an irony of the day. to summarize it, i failed this project successfully. after around 1 month research and all that hard work, it goes to nothing, he refused to give me a Schein (certificate) for this seminar/project. even now the word “hard work” i wrote just now sounds funny to me.

soo..as a human being, i feel terrible, awful, down, you name it.

well, i am split into two parts actually.
the first part of me says: oh i failed, i’m a failure. i couldn’t do better than this. i’ve tried my best but still i failed, everything goes to nothing. perhaps i should just quit believing in my potential (if there’s any).

but the other part of me says… oh what the heck, you failed this time and so what? it motivates you even more to do better. to be more bold. to try again, this time with a better strategy. failure strikes you like lightning and then you gain new power through it (sounds like FLASH the superhero?).

cos everytime i am faced with failure, i am always split into these 2 personalities.  it’s like the other day when the road was so slippery but i wore sneakers in purpose instead of boots. rafe bilang koq sengaja gitu udah tau licin malah pake sneakers? dan gue bilang.. iya gue juga ga ngerti, tapi ada satu bagian di diri gue yg kayanya emang pengen sengajain… a sense that you don’t want to be on the “proper” attitude all the time. a sense that you demand challenges from a slippery road. that what-the-heck kind of thing. i just can’t explain it. and rafe said, “oh, that rebel side!” and i laughed.

ya, maybe. i like to call it the rebellious side. the brave and the bold side. that the more you get into trouble, is the time when you say to yourself hey this is real, this wakes me up. “the more real the reality” is, the bolder you become. i have it inside of me, maybe we all have it inside of us.

the problem is, there is this other part of me, the first part i’m talking about. eventhough it looks more timid, but it does have a strong voice as well, even sometimes much stronger than the rebel one. it is myself that i’m facing now, the self that we’re having trouble with the most. another decision to make. so it goes :(

well just wish me well as always. i’m wishing all of you well too. in fact, not just well, i’m wishing you all a great life. oh well.

fear p. 2

so i did go to the prof. this morning before his seminar. asking for feedback and comments and in some sort of way defending myself. he went through the “sin” list, and most of my mistakes were technical mistakes. i basically made one particular mistake, which 4 others had also done the same, daann singkat kata, i feel ehmm.. discriminated?
he wouldn’t let me talk, and yahh… everyone has pride, while admitting a mistake when defending a certain opinion in academic background might not be the case for him, but admitting something that would affect his being professional might be an issue for him.

phew, anyway i’m really considering to have his seminar next semester. i’m going to prove that i can do better, as to challenge myself.

still committed to the library now, today is so foggy. mysterious fog. once you come out of a building, you’ll feel like coming out of the back  part of the closet in the movie narnia. and it’s weird now that i feel nothing, not even fear nor relief.

helping hands and some pics.

so…

today we had the wall in the old place painted and the whole rooms cleaned up, before handing in the keys to the owner. got so much stuff in mind ranging from assignments til what i’m going to wear for christmas (yg ini bo’ong). begitu banyak tugas sampe bingung mau mulai dari yg mana, yg ternyata udah dimulai pun baru bisa progressing kalo semuanya parallel dikerjain. having a very difficult text, this book by judith butler, a feminist. the book is meant to be far than simple and although each paragraph has been read more than twice, i still couldn’t grasp the main idea, thus it’s frustrating. reading novels are a lot more fun. yea rite see what i said a couple of weeks ago complaining about reading novels being not fun anymore. we humans are so good at comparing, we always like the old days better, no matter how lousy we felt at that time. dan begitu sehabis baca butler ini gue pun beralih ke novel yg harus selesai secepatnya in order to do the other assignment, dan kata2nya menjadi begitu mudah, entah kenapa. so if you need to improve your reading comprehension, try reading butler’s text and you’ll get my point. and oh, so many books and texts to read that i’ve been developing (ok, this sounds a bit silly but true) an ability to read while walking. karena belum mahir, sering mau nabrak orang yg entah muncul tiba2 dari mana.

anyway, some friends gave a hand ngecat2. satu orang sangat cekatan, satu orang sangat tinggi besar, satu orang sangat.. baik mau membantu -_-
most guys would not really care, well they care but at least not screaming when he gets paint on his jacket, except this one with the initial S.U.G.I.E.
guy1: where’s sugie?
guy2: dia lagi di kamar mandi, bersihin jeansnya kena cat.
*5 menit kemudian sugie keluar*
me: *nada datar* sugie, jaketmu kena cat tuh di kursi.
s: *nada sangat tidak datar* oh, neinnnnn…
*sugie membersihkan jacketnya*
*10 menit kemudian: sugie masih membersihkan jacketnya*
s: aduh untung nita kasih tau jacket gue kena cat.
me: iya, dan nita mulai menyesal kenapa nita kasih tau sugie.

i really don’t want to imagine if it’s his hair that got paint. in order to maintain the labour productivity, i would never let him know.

overall, been really thankful for the helpful people around :)

ps: pics!

L1040863

choice of colour: green! go green!

L1040864

trying hard to be tidier, it lasts only for 5 minutes.

L1040866

mr. mundane is still in charge of my plants. since my orchids passed away (the blame is on him), i only have 3 small cactuses.

lost it.

feel like writing. anything will do.

lost my conscience. did stupid things that i never had done before… when someone gave direction how to get somewhere by phone, my brain can’t remember well. suatu sore mendung diajak temen ngantri kopi and snacks gratisan di caras… udah naik train, di sms, nit lu di mana… di gleisdreieck, ktemu di caras kan?
nita… caras kudamm lho!
what the? akhirnya turun karena itu beda arah… temen felt guilty dan nanya apakah dia ud bilang kalo itu caras kudamm, i couldn’t even remember.
and then, went somewhere else again… a friend gave direction by phone bla bla bla… still i took the wrong bus, went to the wrong bus stop, kena angin dingin monyong… can’t stop “complementing” myself. this time the friend made it sure, eh gue udah bilangin lu ya bla bla bla bukan yg bla bla bla, and guess what i couldn’t remember either apa dia udah bilang atau belum. ended up ga bantuin apa2 karena telat nyampe.

jumat.

sesuai appointment, ke uni… feeling gloomy. langit dark gray… kayanya mau ujan pikir gue, tapi males liat wetter.com, males bawa payung. bener aja, sampe golm ujan deres, keujanan rambut rada2 basah… keterpa angin dingin. in front of the prof’s room, as i opened the door he said

oh nein! bist du hier für die Hausarbeit? bla bla bla… ich habe noch 60 HA zu korrigieren. intinya doski lupa baca gue punya. gantian gue yg bilang.. oh no! terus dengerin doski minta2 maap janji mau reschedule… dengan setengah menggigil gue pulang lagi ke berlin. pengen rasanya bilang, don’t worry sir, golm to berlin is at least nearer than berlin to singapore! sorenya demam.

sabtu.

ke PA. malemnya liat giants yg dari prancis itu. ditabrak orang mabok dari belakang. keterpa angin dingin lagi, badan masih badan tropis.

minggu.

dizzy… felt like a pregnant woman. still went to church, saking dizzy nya gue menyenggol gelas 2x sampe tumpah.

senin.

tepar.

today.

ke uni lagi ketemu the Feeling-Guilty-prof. sebelumnya ke consultation dulu nanya ini itu, berita simpang siur bikin pusing… nanya si ini si itu mister ini mister itu, miss ini miss itu… akhirnya hari ini ketemu mister satu ini, and i thank God for all the nice and helpful people on earth. jam 12 kurang 15 gue udah parkir di depan ruangan the F-G-prof, lalu doski tepat jam 12 dateng membawa lunchnya tergopoh-gopoh.

“well, i’m so sorry that i can’t find anything in your papers to be criticized.”
“ha?”

“so bla bla bla”

ended up he graded me 1.0 for those two papers each. not sure apa nih orang bener2 baca paper gue, or he’s extremely hungry, or extremely feeling guilty whatsoever. but, the heck with idealism, once i saw he wrote down 1.0, i forgot everything :P

low

L1030787

sangat sangat sangat sangat tidak bersemangat. hard to admit, gue pesimis dengan semua yg sedang gue buat sekarang, i dislike the way i think n everything i wrote in those papers and it scares me. kalo gue semangat mungkin semua lebih ringan atau emang semua harus dijalanin aja. this is just a matter of perspective i guess, or maybe not well i don’t care. gue sedang sangat sangat sangat tidak bersemangat. hfff….. how can i get it back????

quick duo

1. my first preliminary thesis on one of the long papers was commented more or less “this is not really a thesis bla bla bla” so i revised it after thinking so hard.
not long ago i came up with a refined one, and here’s the comment:

This seems a little better. I do not think it’s very challenging though, so I am sure you
will be able to refine it further as you continue your research. Right now, it seems like
you will be summarizing the research that shows there was a mass panic. This is a safe
approach to the problem – and by safe, I mean, standard and without risk in a bland sort of way. You will want to focus your thesis further, coming up with something more concrete about “realism” or the “perfect timing” generalizations you have presented here.
By focusing on one aspect and saying it is most important, you will then get yourself
into trouble since someone could disagree with you. That’s a good thing because only if
reasonable people could disagree does one have a thesis
. As you work on the project, feel free to send additional refinements if you like.

Well this is hard for me… cos most of my life i’ve spent my time getting myself only to agree with people and don’t make my own opposing opinion, cos once you show lack of agreement you are being scolded, however i dont think it’s impossible. On an event of the past now i have to analyze and be a smart ass and then criticize its one particular aspect, far from playing “safe”, have to get myself into “trouble” and get reasonable people disagree with me. note please, reasonable people. pls wish me luck on this one.

2. this:

29072009419

went to *bucks uhlandstrasse yesterday to find that they put this on the restroom doors, plus they give 60 minute free internet. on the purchase receipt there was this 4 digit code you have to put into this machine to get into the restroom. luckily this code lasts longer than their free internet.

reading

you know what i missed?

i missed reading novels for fun. i missed the feeling of reading words that define or express exactly how i feel or felt once, the warmth of companionship in finding that i’m not the only one who’s ever felt variety of particular emotions, reflecting on parts of my personality in a character, the excitement of not knowing what’s to come, the satisfaction together with an infinite question that arises in my mind (or heart) after i read the closing sentence of the story.

for during semester we, students of literature are occupied with other difficult texts to read (on philosophy, history, literature) and eventhough we have to read certain novels we are confined to time pressure so it’s rather ironic. however, today the summer semester officially ends. i took pics of my campus, thought that i wanted to upload them here but changed my mind. this doesn’t feel like a holiday, cos despite the fact that i dont have to go to uni like i used to, i still have to write 4 long papers, do research, go to the library, consult with the professors and so on. restless… but well, once again i tell myself, no pain no gain.