I look up at the sky, wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of kindness there, but I don’t. All I see are indifferent summer clouds drifting over the Pacific. And they have nothing to say to me. Clouds are always taciturn. I probably shouldn’t be looking up at them. What I should be looking at is inside of me. Like staring down into a deep well. Can I see kindness there? No, all I see is my own nature. My own individual, stubborn, uncooperative, often selfcentered nature that still doubts itself — that, when troubles occur, tries to find something funny, or something nearly funny, about the situation. I’ve carried this character around like an old suitcase, down a long, dusty path. I’m not carrying it because I like it. The contents are too heavy, and it looks crummy, fraying in spots. I’ve carried it with me because there was nothing else I was supposed to carry. Still, I guess I have grown attached to it. As you might expect.
- H. Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
spring is coming! not official yet though.
I sleep in a room across from my favorite Impala cafe but I haven’t been there since I moved here around a week ago.
the night view from my current window room is unbelievably amazing!
I get to run around the river again like I used to but with slower pace cos there’s more traffic light here.
those were some updates.
Anyway, went to Darwin Deez concert early this month, after having been persuaded just 2 days before.. with the fact that I haven’t even heard any of his songs before. but it turned out to be really great, the whole band performed really well and.. fun! you know everything changes when you see a musician performs LIVE! Fresh from the concert hall I went straight to the counter to buy the Darwin Deez sweater for 20 euro! (ah I wasn’t thinking I know) and one of the opening bands was this duo TEED (Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs) who had this really cool performance with the guy’s dinosaur costume and indian chef headpiece. I didn’t really listen to this kind of song but well like I said, everything changes after a live performance. “Household Goods” and “Garden” are now on my running playlist and the latter is so addictive to the ears. I find the girl’s voice truly enchanting and I like the part in the video (for no obvious reasons) where the expressionless guy sits on the green sofa blinking his eyes.
I’ve also been intensively listening to Band of Horses and back to the old time favorite: Radiohead and haven’t stopped thinking of how amazing these guys are.
Also booked tickets to 3 destinations in the next two months, one in Germany and 2 other abroad. I think all my savings is going to be ‘invested’ in travelling oh well I couldn’t care less, Paulo Coelho once wrote “Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience”
is the golden moment of the week. calm neighborhood, resting cars along the roads, peaceful bakery shops. i went running for a bit, as i stopped in front of a bakery to fix my (NEW-oh-yeah!) gloves, the bakery lady threw a smile at me and i smiled back. smile is the best exchange of currency you could have with a stranger, it’s far from harmless and it enriches your soul. then a middle-aged couple went running too ahead of me, from their running shoes and the way they run i could tell that they’ve been doing this quite a lot. the sun’s so generous today and there’s this rare warm breeze eventhough sometimes the wind was blowing harshly against me. right as i was waiting for the light to turn green to cross the road, the radio dept.’s “we climb the wired fences” is playing in my ears and i smiled as it was then followed rite away by the nostalgic tune of “the city limit” thats so mesmerizing.
i thought of how i love this moment. i wasn’t euphoric nor overjoyed, but i felt at peace with myself. i start to see the other side of solitude, it doesn’t have to be against the social crowds. when i’m in my “right” solitude, i find myself possessing a better capacity to be a better person, someone that can deal with others in a better and wiser way. in this kind of solitude, in running, i start to whisper to myself good things, i start to be honest with myself, i start to accept myself for the things i hardly could the days before. i feel at ease.
people change, even on a daily basis. but at times, it’s not whether we become worse or better, sometimes it’s not about that at all, and perhaps it depends on how you view it, or who you are as the spectator.
i’ve changed, for instance. i realized just now as i went jogging that i never go to tiergarten again. instead, i feel like going to run around the small river (see pics) cos i am (most of the time) truly alone there, it’s so near to tiergarten but i hardly ever found anyone run there. i dont know, being near the water feels more comfortable to me, well running CAN’T be comfortable, but i bet you know what i mean. i used to go running on weekends, but now i prefer monday and wednesday since they are the days where i feel exhausted and fed up the most, and because on weekends i want to sleep longer. it’s been windy these days and my hair is longer that i can tie it up as i used to. i also have been choosing colourful items for everything i buy. i’ve also changed in viewing the term “getting older”, i used to freak out when it comes to birthday, but now i’ve decided not to, since all younger people around me are freaking out and complaining at getting older in their early twenties! very very early twenties for the love of God! so let them do the freaking out, i do the sit back and relax. anyway, they’re better at freaking out than me.
but some things never change. no matter how influential a friend’s certain type of songs are to me, some songs never leave my playlist, those are songs i always go back to, namely coldplay, john mayer and many others. i still put two teaspoons of sugar into my coffee. i still like green and (hopefully) will never like pink. my view on certain things never change, of friendship, of family, and many other small things i can’t mention. i still suck at letting go of things, which is no better than my cooking skill. well some call me stubborn, so to speak. we can’t change completely, but we should not stay the same either. some things have to change, while some you can count on to stay the same.
so i stayed home all day today (saturday). what’s so special about it is i stayed home not because i have to study or do assignments. the hell with them for today huahaha… i’m tuning up my brain by fooling around with camera around the house, cleaning around, eating, coffeeing, eating, coffeeing, making the most out of refrigerator and bed, watching 2 great movies (changeling and gran torino), well the gran torino made me laugh mostly by the dialogue and in the end shed some tears. both are must-sees, well i will not discuss about the movies, males mikir ;)
the weather has been moody these last couple of days. last monday i could still wear shorts & sandal jepit to the park while these last couple of days i had to wear scarf otherwise i might catch a cold like most people do these days, on the train and everywhere people are sneezing and coughing. so uncool. the cold wind was so harsh and unfriendly, plus the fact it’s already june now.
no jogging these 2 weeks oh i’ve led a very dull life these days. i’m sick of being stressed out on weekdays and being awaken at 5 am and couldn’t go back to sleep, having butterflies in the stomach before presentations and discussions, well gue sih cukup nyantai ya… masih berusaha fooling around at every chance i get. kurang olahraga, kebanyakan duduk di bangku keras library, kurang minum air then one morning few days ago i found myself having piles or ambeien. so uncool -_-’