besotted,
my infatuation grew wiser than my sense
to the extent that i see faithful as humdrum
trading safe harbor with a quick trip in the maze
the thirst is too great i fear i would never be healed
a hollow yellow so bright, a formless beauty
a shallow hello. so warm that i didn’t mind.
Kalian boleh maju dalam pelajaran, mungkin mencapai deretan gelar kesarjanaan apa saja, tapi tanpa mencintai sastra, kalian tinggal hanya hewan yang pandai.
Tahu kau mengapa aku sayangi kau lebih dari siapa pun? Karena kau menulis.
–Pramoedya Ananta Toer
light and matches please burn me,
purify.
strangle my feet, don’t let me speed.
i’ll exchange the fragmented wings
with numb peace.
i missed the good talk that happened only a few
i missed the path we never took
i missed the hideout we never found
i even missed the random coffee shop we never passed by
i missed the stains that were kept from leaving a mark
i missed the feeling, the feeling that has no name
i missed too many without knowing the amount
i missed the curiosity that kills the cat
i missed the healthy morning strength
i missed the warm carpet i hardly step on
i missed the smoke of the far-away rage
i missed the flaws that tore perfection down
i missed your good mornings, i missed your good nights
i even missed your good good-byes.
a year has passed since this.
happy birthday bro, from the nicest sister you’ve got.
and for the past 4 years i’ve always been writing about his birthday. you must think i’m a very thoughtful sister? well partly i am and writing is cheaper than buying that guy a gift. that picky snobbish ‘korban-merk’ guy.
anywayyy almost everyone we know have at least once said that we really look alike. some even think we’re twins. i always told them we are twins like brandon and brenda in beverly hills 90210 (i’m brenda and he’s brandon in case you’re wondering), we even resemble one another more than brandon resembles brenda, brenda resembles brandon, brenda resembles her mom, brandon resembles his dad and so on and so forth. i remember one time:
me: ya we were both born in june!
friend: oh ya?
me: ya, he on the 1st and i on the __th. but in the same year! we’re twins!
friend: really? wow!
me: ………………………………………………… are you the real santa claus? …………………………………………………
ok thats it for the intermezzo. sorry dear bro, this year you’re just an ice-breaker LOL.. ok now to the serious part.
have you ever wondered why you ask a question to which the answer you already know? in my position, i don’t really know why i did that. i know the answer, but i don’t really know why i still asked something that i already knew. perhaps i just need to be told instead of merely knowing. and i still think that i think too much, and i wonder how it would feel to wake up one morning and find myself not thinking too much anymore, would my steps be lighter? i think so. wouldn’t it be fun and still be okay not to think of things that make people raising their eyebrows and thinking that i’ve swallowed too much derrida, foucault or jameson those torturing philosophers or must have had a lousy childhood or had too much chiki balls while wearing superman costume. well, at least i made them think too hahaha..
currently i’m thinking about my own happiness and how it did go wrong. it is never in the right place. the problem is, i have only little room to store happiness. i need to change i keep telling that to myself. i should think less and thus exist less. i should be honest but still be kind. i should walk or even run to the other side and burn the bridge down. i should let all go and hold nothing back. i should hate and leave the old worn-out shoes. i should write and like what i write even 10 years from now. i should first define my happiness. then i should redefine it. i should even be able to mold it into what i want. i should redefine people around me. i should repaint my bedroom walls. i should change the door key. i should let the window opened. i should let the birds sing. i should just let spring be spring. and as murakami wrote, i should just “run away from home, journey to a far-off town, and live in a corner of a small library”